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Jokes Thread

I just told this joke in another thread and thought that we should start a thread with our favorite or ridiculous jokes. I can't wait to see these...

Comments

  • So, a Roman walks into a bar holding up two fingers and says "I'll have 5 beers please".

  • So, a Roman walks into a bar holding up two fingers and says "I'll have 5 beers please".

    Saw it in the other thread... I must be dense.
    10 Team Dynasty - All TDs = 6 / PassingYd = .04 / Rushing-ReceivingYd = .10 / No-PPR / No Bonus
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - RB - RB/WR - WR - WR/TE - TE - DST - K
    QB - Wilson, J. Allen, Stafford, Minshew / RB - Saquon, Zeke, Kamara, D.Cook, Samuels, Mattison, Pollard, J.Hill
    WR - Hopkins, M.Thomas, AJG, Godwin, M.Williams, AJBrown, Chark / TE - OJ.Howard, M.Andrews. Dissly, Hockenson, Gesicki, J.Smith
    DST - Ravens, Vikings / K - Lutz
    12 Team Dynasty - TDs = 4-6 / PassingYd 25=1 / Rushing-ReceivingYd 10=1 / PPR / Bonus 3 at 300-100
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - 2RB - 3WR - 1TE - 1FlexRWT - DST - K
    QB - Cousins, Trubisky, Darnold / RB - DJ, Ingram, K.Johnson, A.Jones, Crowell, JamaalWilliams, M.Davis, D.Harris, R.Armstead, A.Barnes
    WR - Hopkins, K.Allen, DK.Metcalf, Boykin, Westbrook, Humphries, DavidMoore, Cole, Sharpe, Baldwin / TE - Gronk, Walker, Gesicki, Hurst, V.McDonald, Dissley
    DST - Steelers / K - Lutz
  • BUT since you started this thread...

    A man in a very exclusive restaurant notices that all the waiters and busers all have a spoon in their shirt pockets.

    The diner asks his waiter about it and the waiter replies that the restaurant owner, an efficiency expert, found that the utensil that most often falls on the floor is the spoon. So to save time everyone has a spoon on hand

    Later the man notices that his waiter has a string hanging out of his fly and asks his waiter about that.

    Embarrassed, the waiter tells him that that is another efficiency protocol. The restaurant owner studied the time consuming practice of hand washing following a trip to the men's room. So every male has a string around his little fella to remove it without touching it and thus avoid hand washing.

    The diner then says "Impressive, but, how do you put your little fella back?"

    The waiter replies "Well... I don't know about all the other guys. But, I just use the spoon."
    10 Team Dynasty - All TDs = 6 / PassingYd = .04 / Rushing-ReceivingYd = .10 / No-PPR / No Bonus
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - RB - RB/WR - WR - WR/TE - TE - DST - K
    QB - Wilson, J. Allen, Stafford, Minshew / RB - Saquon, Zeke, Kamara, D.Cook, Samuels, Mattison, Pollard, J.Hill
    WR - Hopkins, M.Thomas, AJG, Godwin, M.Williams, AJBrown, Chark / TE - OJ.Howard, M.Andrews. Dissly, Hockenson, Gesicki, J.Smith
    DST - Ravens, Vikings / K - Lutz
    12 Team Dynasty - TDs = 4-6 / PassingYd 25=1 / Rushing-ReceivingYd 10=1 / PPR / Bonus 3 at 300-100
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - 2RB - 3WR - 1TE - 1FlexRWT - DST - K
    QB - Cousins, Trubisky, Darnold / RB - DJ, Ingram, K.Johnson, A.Jones, Crowell, JamaalWilliams, M.Davis, D.Harris, R.Armstead, A.Barnes
    WR - Hopkins, K.Allen, DK.Metcalf, Boykin, Westbrook, Humphries, DavidMoore, Cole, Sharpe, Baldwin / TE - Gronk, Walker, Gesicki, Hurst, V.McDonald, Dissley
    DST - Steelers / K - Lutz
  • When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.



    10 Team Dynasty - All TDs = 6 / PassingYd = .04 / Rushing-ReceivingYd = .10 / No-PPR / No Bonus
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - RB - RB/WR - WR - WR/TE - TE - DST - K
    QB - Wilson, J. Allen, Stafford, Minshew / RB - Saquon, Zeke, Kamara, D.Cook, Samuels, Mattison, Pollard, J.Hill
    WR - Hopkins, M.Thomas, AJG, Godwin, M.Williams, AJBrown, Chark / TE - OJ.Howard, M.Andrews. Dissly, Hockenson, Gesicki, J.Smith
    DST - Ravens, Vikings / K - Lutz
    12 Team Dynasty - TDs = 4-6 / PassingYd 25=1 / Rushing-ReceivingYd 10=1 / PPR / Bonus 3 at 300-100
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - 2RB - 3WR - 1TE - 1FlexRWT - DST - K
    QB - Cousins, Trubisky, Darnold / RB - DJ, Ingram, K.Johnson, A.Jones, Crowell, JamaalWilliams, M.Davis, D.Harris, R.Armstead, A.Barnes
    WR - Hopkins, K.Allen, DK.Metcalf, Boykin, Westbrook, Humphries, DavidMoore, Cole, Sharpe, Baldwin / TE - Gronk, Walker, Gesicki, Hurst, V.McDonald, Dissley
    DST - Steelers / K - Lutz
  • So, a Roman walks into a bar holding up two fingers and says "I'll have 5 beers please".

    Saw it in the other thread... I must be dense.
    ✌️ looks like a V....V is 5 in Roman numerals
  • Two Italian men are on a bus having an animated conversation.
    The woman behind them ignores them at first but becomes enraged after hearing one man say...
    “Emma comes first, Den I come, Den two asses come together. I come once a more, Two asses they come together again, I come again and pee twice, Den I come a one a lasta time.”

    “You foul mouthed swine” retorted the lady. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

    “Hey coola down lady. Who’s a talkin bout sexa?” Says the man, “I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella Mississippi.”
  • So, a Roman walks into a bar holding up two fingers and says "I'll have 5 beers please".

    Saw it in the other thread... I must be dense.
    ✌️ looks like a V....V is 5 in Roman numerals
    Well duhhhhh. Now it makes perfect sense.
    10 Team Dynasty - All TDs = 6 / PassingYd = .04 / Rushing-ReceivingYd = .10 / No-PPR / No Bonus
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - RB - RB/WR - WR - WR/TE - TE - DST - K
    QB - Wilson, J. Allen, Stafford, Minshew / RB - Saquon, Zeke, Kamara, D.Cook, Samuels, Mattison, Pollard, J.Hill
    WR - Hopkins, M.Thomas, AJG, Godwin, M.Williams, AJBrown, Chark / TE - OJ.Howard, M.Andrews. Dissly, Hockenson, Gesicki, J.Smith
    DST - Ravens, Vikings / K - Lutz
    12 Team Dynasty - TDs = 4-6 / PassingYd 25=1 / Rushing-ReceivingYd 10=1 / PPR / Bonus 3 at 300-100
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - 2RB - 3WR - 1TE - 1FlexRWT - DST - K
    QB - Cousins, Trubisky, Darnold / RB - DJ, Ingram, K.Johnson, A.Jones, Crowell, JamaalWilliams, M.Davis, D.Harris, R.Armstead, A.Barnes
    WR - Hopkins, K.Allen, DK.Metcalf, Boykin, Westbrook, Humphries, DavidMoore, Cole, Sharpe, Baldwin / TE - Gronk, Walker, Gesicki, Hurst, V.McDonald, Dissley
    DST - Steelers / K - Lutz
  • Two Italian men are on a bus having an animated conversation.
    The woman behind them ignores them at first but becomes enraged after hearing one man say...
    “Emma comes first, Den I come, Den two asses come together. I come once a more, Two asses they come together again, I come again and pee twice, Den I come a one a lasta time.”

    “You foul mouthed swine” retorted the lady. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

    “Hey coola down lady. Who’s a talkin bout sexa?” Says the man, “I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella Mississippi.”

    LOL
    10 Team Dynasty - All TDs = 6 / PassingYd = .04 / Rushing-ReceivingYd = .10 / No-PPR / No Bonus
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - RB - RB/WR - WR - WR/TE - TE - DST - K
    QB - Wilson, J. Allen, Stafford, Minshew / RB - Saquon, Zeke, Kamara, D.Cook, Samuels, Mattison, Pollard, J.Hill
    WR - Hopkins, M.Thomas, AJG, Godwin, M.Williams, AJBrown, Chark / TE - OJ.Howard, M.Andrews. Dissly, Hockenson, Gesicki, J.Smith
    DST - Ravens, Vikings / K - Lutz
    12 Team Dynasty - TDs = 4-6 / PassingYd 25=1 / Rushing-ReceivingYd 10=1 / PPR / Bonus 3 at 300-100
    - - - - - - - - - - - Starting requirements = QB - 2RB - 3WR - 1TE - 1FlexRWT - DST - K
    QB - Cousins, Trubisky, Darnold / RB - DJ, Ingram, K.Johnson, A.Jones, Crowell, JamaalWilliams, M.Davis, D.Harris, R.Armstead, A.Barnes
    WR - Hopkins, K.Allen, DK.Metcalf, Boykin, Westbrook, Humphries, DavidMoore, Cole, Sharpe, Baldwin / TE - Gronk, Walker, Gesicki, Hurst, V.McDonald, Dissley
    DST - Steelers / K - Lutz
  • BUT since you started this thread...

    A man in a very exclusive restaurant notices that all the waiters and busers all have a spoon in their shirt pockets.

    The diner asks his waiter about it and the waiter replies that the restaurant owner, an efficiency expert, found that the utensil that most often falls on the floor is the spoon. So to save time everyone has a spoon on hand

    Later the man notices that his waiter has a string hanging out of his fly and asks his waiter about that.

    Embarrassed, the waiter tells him that that is another efficiency protocol. The restaurant owner studied the time consuming practice of hand washing following a trip to the men's room. So every male has a string around his little fella to remove it without touching it and thus avoid hand washing.

    The diner then says "Impressive, but, how do you put your little fella back?"

    The waiter replies "Well... I don't know about all the other guys. But, I just use the spoon."


  • KookaburraKookaburra Posts: 1,524

    BUT since you started this thread...

    A man in a very exclusive restaurant notices that all the waiters and busers all have a spoon in their shirt pockets.

    The diner asks his waiter about it and the waiter replies that the restaurant owner, an efficiency expert, found that the utensil that most often falls on the floor is the spoon. So to save time everyone has a spoon on hand

    Later the man notices that his waiter has a string hanging out of his fly and asks his waiter about that.

    Embarrassed, the waiter tells him that that is another efficiency protocol. The restaurant owner studied the time consuming practice of hand washing following a trip to the men's room. So every male has a string around his little fella to remove it without touching it and thus avoid hand washing.

    The diner then says "Impressive, but, how do you put your little fella back?"

    The waiter replies "Well... I don't know about all the other guys. But, I just use the spoon."

    I love this one.
  • swampiesswampies Posts: 4,027
    Do you know what 6.9 is?
    (I'm not a expert but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!)
    SleeperU Forum Moderator
    USA
  • swampies said:

    Do you know what 6.9 is?

    Please tell me it has nothing to do with having her period in the middle of 69ing!

  • swampies said:

    Do you know what 6.9 is?

    Please tell me it has nothing to do with having her period in the middle of 69ing!
    Ding ding ding
  • SMFFCNSMFFCN Posts: 2,106
    A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

    He proceeds to order a drink and the bartender, confused, says to the pirate "You know there's a steering wheel hanging out of your pants, right"?

    The pirate glances down and says "I Matey, there is, it's driving me nuts".
  • swampiesswampies Posts: 4,027

    swampies said:

    Do you know what 6.9 is?

    Please tell me it has nothing to do with having her period in the middle of 69ing!
    : A good thing screwed up by a period.
    (I'm not a expert but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!)
    SleeperU Forum Moderator
    USA
  • swampiesswampies Posts: 4,027
    SMFFCN said:

    A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

    He proceeds to order a drink and the bartender, confused, says to the pirate "You know there's a steering wheel hanging out of your pants, right"?

    The pirate glances down and says "I Matey, there is, it's driving me nuts".

    😂
    (I'm not a expert but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!)
    SleeperU Forum Moderator
    USA
  • rabidbucfanrabidbucfan Posts: 4,588
    SMFFCN said:

    A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

    He proceeds to order a drink and the bartender, confused, says to the pirate "You know there's a steering wheel hanging out of your pants, right"?

    The pirate glances down and says "I Matey, there is, it's driving me nuts".

    Ha
    "The only place success comes before work is the dictionary" ~Vince Lombardi
    Mod - Sleeper U
  • WTCMWTCM Posts: 11,980
    SMFFCN said:

    A pirate walks into a bar. He's got a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

    He proceeds to order a drink and the bartender, confused, says to the pirate "You know there's a steering wheel hanging out of your pants, right"?

    The pirate glances down and says "I Matey, there is, it's driving me nuts".

    :p
    I'm an asshole from:
    Montreal, Canada  image
    Also creator of this:
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